"How long have you two been married?" asked the friendly pastor of an elderly couple he'd just met at a church social event.

"We have been married 39 years," responded the gray-haired man.

"Well, what have you learned in 39 years of marriage?"

"I will tell you what I have learned," the man exclaimed. "The only thing my wife and I have in common is that we were both married on the same day!"

Just imagine the pain, hurt and anger behind that statement. After 39 years of marriage, loveless co-existence reigned supreme. If isolation and selfishness are the results of living together for all those years, why would anyone want to enter marriage in the first place?

When I counsel couples on the verge of divorce, they often act hostile, belligerent and sarcastic toward each other. During the tense discussion, I usually pose the questions: "Why did you fall in love? What attracted you to each other?" Often the couples cannot even recall the chemistry that brought them together in the first place. Their major regret is walking the church aisle to become husband and wife.

Compare that to the romantic heat of engaged couples. When I counsel these soon-to-be-married pairs, I often ask, "What don't you like about each other?" Shock registers on their faces: "Nothing!" They can hardly believe I would even ask the question. They smile euphorically, romantically blinded and practically sitting on the same chair.

What a remarkable difference! Within a few short years the idealistic, bubbling newlyweds turn into disillusioned, frowning adversaries. This doesn't have to happen, however, especially if a couple keeps in mind a vital, though often overlooked, component of a lasting marriage--friendship.

Friendship brings life to your marriage. It adds warmth and stability and strength. Lack of it will cause your love to grow cold.

You can develop such a friendship as you love your mate with all your heart (the emotional area of life), soul (the spiritual), strength (the physical) and mind (the mental). Furthermore, joint activities outside the home (the social) play a crucial role.

I like to represent these five areas with a five-pointed star. Each point is equally distant from the center. For the star to look like a star--and for your marriage to be fun and satisfying--the points must be balanced. If you neglect one or two points, it's like you're cutting off those points. The star gets distorted, and your marriage descends into chaos and disunity. That soon leads to frustration.

Maintaining the balance takes work, courage and faith, plus a lot of tenacity. After all, nobody can be on a romantic high all the time, and the day will inevitably come when you don't feel like you want to be married. Friendship can carry you through. Stick with it, work through the difficulties, and you'll find that along the way joy will blossom and you'll become more deeply satisfied with your marriage.

How can you and your mate become intimate friends? Begin by earnestly seeking the Lord about your marriage. Then think through the following five areas and wholeheartedly apply the principles.

Emotional--Share who you are

Learn how to share who you are: what you cherish, feel, value, love, esteem, hate, fear, desire, hope for, believe in and are committed to. When you open up, your spouse begins to understand you. Being honest and transparent gives you the opportunity to be accepted unconditionally.

Work through differences. When conflicts arise, make a real effort to understand the other's viewpoint. Be willing to listen. It shows you care and are not preoccupied with yourself. Take the initiative to seek reconciliation. A satisfying marriage is a union of two forgivers.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep," admonishes the apostle Paul (Romans 12:15). Try to feel the same feelings your mate experiences. Through the smiles or tears, encourage and strengthen each other.

The critical moment for my wife, Paula, comes each evening at dinner. She'll often spend hours in the kitchen, planning and preparing the meal. Then the big moment arrives--when the family sits down and the food catches our eyes. One day, after years of marriage, I finally woke up and realized how our response affected her.

"Yuck, what is it?" said one of the kids, without even tasting anything. The smile drained off Paula's face. "I don't like this stuff!" The meal was over before it began. Rejection, disappointment and tears silenced us all.

I had the same reaction once when my boss rejected my work. All my creativity, preparation and hope melted in the heat of discouragement. As I empathized with Paula's feelings, I thought of a plan. Now, when the meal comes to the table, I speak up immediately, before a dissenting comment: "Honey, thanks for this delicious-looking meal. You worked hard on this."

When you protect your mate's feelings, you encourage openness and transparency.

Spiritual--Explore each other's soul

Do you want to go on an eventful journey without leaving home? Explore each other's soul. Praying together each day will fuse your hearts together. It is extremely difficult to pray together when unresolved issues separate you. Christ tells us, "When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins" (Mark 11:25, New International Version).

Make some spiritual goals for your relationship, such as helping each other become more Christlike in different ways. Choose a significant area in which you need maturing. A husband might be facing discouragement at work, while a wife might be fighting fear of a physical ailment. Search the Scriptures together to find God's perspective, and help each other implement those verses.

Physical--More than sex

When I introduce the physical area of marriage, people usually assume I'm referring to sex. The physical does include enjoying each other sexually, but other aspects play a role as well.

I once attended a seminar on human sexuality, and the woman psychologist teaching the class made a statement I have never forgotten. "In all my years of clinical practice," she said, "I have never found a woman who loves her own body. There is always something wrong with it."

Ask your wife if that statement reflects her attitudes about herself. If she says it does, encourage her to appreciate the body God has given her. Avoid making negative remarks about her figure. Praise her for the beauty you like to look at.

Build good health habits into your life, like proper nutrition and plenty of exercise. Encourage each other to eat right and work out regularly. Go on long walks together. Not only will you be getting in shape, but you'll also have plenty of time to talk, thus developing the next area.

Mental--Endless avenues of adventure

As we grow older, our bodies will deteriorate. At the same time, our minds can continue to develop and broaden. Stimulating each other intellectually provides endless avenues of adventure and enjoyment.

Explore each other's mind. What is behind those pretty eyes? Some couples rarely talk about anything more meaningful than "Who left the butter out?" or "Where are the keys to the car?"

Start out with simple exploratory questions, such as your spouse's opinions about current events, sports, raising children--almost anything, really. And don't forget the big No. 1 marriage-buster--finances. When a couple has unresolved conflicts about money, the problems don't disappear through silence and neglect. Try to understand what is behind your mate's thoughts on how to use money. Establish a mutually acceptable budget and money-management plan.

Expand your minds. Refuse to settle for today's knowledge. Read together about each other's topics of interest, and don't forget books about developing your marriage.

Social--Ditch the dull routine

A friend of mine, an avid golfer, wanted his wife to play golf with him. He tried desperately to teach her, but she couldn't quite get the point of the game. She liked looking at the landscape, but he wanted to improve her game. They bickered and griped. His good intentions turned into a disaster.

Try activities where you are equals, not competitors. Talk about your interests. Drifting into dull routines of daily living deadens your enjoyment. Cultivate creativity in having fun together. Experiment in finding activities that you enjoy doing together, and write them into your weekly schedule.

Life holds few joys more satisfying than becoming best friends with your mate. You'll find that molding your lives together in true companionship will bring fun, security and fulfillment.

And someday, if someone asks you, "What have you learned in 39 years of marriage?" you can enthusiastically respond, "My mate has become my best friend. We love growing old together!"

Dick Purnell is the executive director of Single Life Resources, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. Author of 12 books, Dick is a popular speaker at single-adult meetings and FamilyLife conferences. Visit his Web site at www.slr.org.