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WHAT IS LOVE? by Dr. Howard G. Hendricks The first of a three-part series on the dynamics of a fulfilling Christian marriage.       "Divorce granted." These tragic words are repeated thousands of times each day.       Several years ago Dr. James Peterson, professor of sociology at the University of Southern California, completed an extensive study of a select group of couples, each of whom had been married at least 20 years. He concluded that, out of every 100 couples married 20 years or more, only six could be considered happily married, fulfilled and satisfied with their marital relationship.       Why does disillusionment set in, sometimes even on the honeymoon? Why is that so many marriages are suffering from a severe case of the blahs?       The reason is that, although marriage is one of the greatest human relationships, it is the one for which we are least prepared. We don't know what real love and marriage should be.       So, I would like to give you some yardsticks -- some means by which to measure love. These standards will help you to determine if you are in love and will help you measure the quality of your own love life if you are married. The expression of "love" is far greater than we could ever put into words; therefore, keep in mind that these guidelines are minimal. RESPONSE TO TOTAL SELF       First, true love involves a responsiveness to the total self of the one loved. You do not fall in love with a body. You fall in love with a person. He or she may not be particularly attractive to someone else, but to you that person is beautiful because of what is inside.       Many of us grow up unable to think of love in terms of anything but sex; however, love and sex are not identical in experience or in Scripture. According to Scripture, sex is only one element of love, though an important one. Love has its ideal expression within a marriage in sex, but there are many things that comprise love that are not sexual in their orientation.       In a proper love relationship, you enrich the totality of the other person's life. In this kind of relationship a person who has been married 20 or 40 years is still excited about his wife, much more so than on the first night of his honeymoon. Why? Because he didn't marry a body. If he had, that would have burned out a long, long time ago. He married a person, and every year that goes by, that person becomes enriched. Therefore, his relationship is enriched. PLEASURE AND REVERENCE       Second, in true love there is not only a feeling of pleasure, but also of reverence. A sacredness of relationship develops. Do you ever look at your wife, or your husband, and think, God gave that person to me? What a sacred trust! Many times I have thought, "God hand-tooled that woman for me." I thank God for her.       Girls, if a man ever says to you, "If you love me, you'll give me everything," you should automatically get the picture. You are not sacred to him. If a man ever asks you to do something that will cause you to lose respect for yourself, that will cause him to lose respect for you, that is contrary to the will of God, then it isn't love. How many of us have known someone who has learned this experience in the hardest laboratory with the highest tuition?       A young man came to see me once and said, "I hope you won't think I'm foolish, but frankly, the longer I'm married to this woman, the more scared I am to touch her." I broke out in a smile and said to him, "Man, I've got the greatest news for you. You are really developing your love." SELF-GIVING       There's a third standard. True love has a quality of self-giving. God so loved the world that He gave. I can tell when a couple is in love, for then the primary purpose of each person is not to exploit, but to enrich each other. Each wants to devote his entire self to this other person. They both want to fuse their strengths, so that they can be a team -- a focus for God.       In true love, a person thinks more of the happiness of the other person than he does of himself. If a young man can come into marriage with his paramount passion in life to completely satisfy his wife, and if a girl can come into marriage with her sole purpose the satisfaction of her husband, and both are sold out to satisfying Jesus Christ, then you have the ingredients for an ideal Christian marriage. RESPONSIBILITY AND JOY       Fourth, love is willing to take responsibility as well as to accept joy. A person constantly asks himself not what he can get out of a relationship, but what he can give to it.       With many people, marriage is a cop-out. They want the pleasures, but they don't want the responsibilities. I think you can test whether you are really in love by the pressure that occurs in that courtship. God may be putting the relationship to the test so that you are convinced that you are related to a person who not only wants privileges, but who is willing to take responsibility.       Responsibility in love calls for commitment. A couple must be committed to Jesus Christ and to each other and to the fact that they will not consider divorce a live option. Otherwise, they will bail out when problems come. But if they do not recognize divorce as an alternative, they will work out their problems. PAIN IN SEPARATION       Fifth, true love is marked by unusual joy while in the presence of the other, and by pain in separation. Magnetism develops in love. Two people who are really in love do not weary each other. But one of the most depressing scenes I know is to watch a couple go into marriage so excited about each other, and within six months, or six years, they can hardly stand to be together.       In a real love relationship, you cannot be away from your partner for long periods of time without feeling that there is something missing. But there must be balance. A mature relationship can sustain separation.       I am compelled to be away from my wife far more than either of us desires. This isn't by choice, but by commission. To know that we are separated from each other legitimately because we are both committed to Jesus Christ and to the same commission in life makes it bearable. But every time I go home to my wife, nothing can hold me back -- my plane could take off without fuel. And what a time we have! CONSTANT PHYSICAL EXPRESSION UNNECESSARY       Sixth, there is mutual enjoyment and satisfaction of each other without constant need of physical expression. If you cannot be together without constantly petting, you do not have the maturity essential for marriage. Marriage is not licensed prostitution. It is not one grand orgy. There is a lot of realism in a good marriage, and impression always demands expression, but sex or physical attraction is not the whole.       In fact, those who can't be together without physical expression before their marriage will often have no physical expression after the first year. Why? Because they have never really built an adequate basis for their relationship -- no real companionship, no real intellectual commonality, nothing that they can share other than their bodies. PROTECTIVE ATTITUDE       Seventh, true love has a protective attitude. You desire to shield the one you love from any harm, from any injury, from anything that will be detrimental. One of the most lethal weapons in a relationship is the little chipping at one another with sarcastic barbs. Do you know what that's like? It's like pouring sulfuric acid on your arm. You keep putting enough drops on your arm and you won't have any arm. If a man comes in and says to his wife, "What do we have for a burnt offering tonight -- ha, ha, ha," she will never become a Betty Crocker.       You develop a person by magnifying his strengths -- never his weaknesses. You can really destroy the person you love by finding a weak area and camping on it. Try something different. Next time your mate does something that is a part of his weakness, look for any improvement or attempts to do better and sincerely give him every bit of encouragement. Take pride in each other. FEELING OF BELONGINGNESS       Eighth, in true love there is a feeling of belongingness. That is what the writer of the Song of Solomon was talking about when he said, "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." The person in love always thinks of himself in relationship to the other person, and it's a beautiful way to live. What is he doing? What is she doing?       You really aren't two. You just happen to be located in different places. You identify with the other and you want to share. FEELING OF UNDERSTANDING       Ninth, true love has a feeling that you understand each other unusually well. You feel the same way about important things because there is a fusing of minds. It is very interesting to see this as it works out in a couple's relationship -- to see the areas of commonality. The more they develop those areas of commonality, the more they think, feel, look, act alike.       When a couple's communication system is developed, each learns how the other thinks. In addition, the communication lines are always open. You know that you can share your most heretical idea with that person and he won't cross you off. DYNAMIC GROWTH       Finally, love matures. It is dynamic in its growth. Real love, centered in Christ, takes on the characteristics of Christ. It begins to resemble the love Paul describes in I Corinthians 13: "Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him and always stand your ground in defending him." This is the love that comes only from Christ, as each person is totally committed to Him.       If you are married, ask yourself if each of those qualities Paul describes are true in your relationship with your partner. Then ask God to make those qualities consistently a part of your relationship.       If you are single, what are you looking for in a partner? With what kind of person would you enjoy spending the rest of your life? How many of those qualities are true of you? You see, marriage is not just a matter of finding the right partner -- it's a matter of becoming the right person. Keep in mind that if God has a man or woman for your life, He is perfectly capable of leading you to that person. And right now He is concerned that your focus is on becoming the right person -- more and more like Jesus Christ.