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THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE HUSBAND by Dr. Howard G. Hendricks All over Christendom there are frustrated drill sergeants running around with a biblical club saying, "I'm the leader in my home.".       In the Christian life, you learn to walk by walking. A child who is learning to walk falls, gets up, walks, falls and gets up again. And as he goes on, he falls less. It is the same way in the spiritual realm. You never get to the place where you cannot fall, but you learn how to overcome the falling process.       We are commanded in Ephesians 5:18 to walk through our Christian lives in a certain manner: "And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit." That means we are to be controlled by the Spirit of God continuously, wherever we are. Just a few verses later, beginning at verse 22, the apostle Paul starts talking about home life and our family relationships. Why? Because the primary testing ground for us in our Christian walk is in the home.       My friend, if Christianity does not work in your home, it does not work. If it works in your home, you've got positive proof that Christianity is genuine. FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS       Chapter five of the book of Ephesians speaks to us about the family relationships in which we find ourselves -- the relationship of the husband to the wife, the relationship of the wife to the husband, the relationship of the children to the parents, the relationship of the parents to the children. Each of these relationships creates some degree of responsibility, and in this particular case I would like to examine with you the role and responsibility of the husband.       Notice Ephesians 5, verses 22 through 33. This passage has a twofold thrust because primarily, the husband's responsibility under God is twofold. Verses 22 through 24 tell us that he is to be a leader in his home. "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything." SECOND RESPONSIBILITY       Then in verses 25 through 29 we find the second responsibility: He is to be a lover. Verse 25 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...."       The husband's position: a leader. His passion: a lover. The first of these responsibilities (leadership) lends authority to the relationship. The second of these (love) lends affection to the relationship. This is a balance that is designed by God.       But before we can plant in our minds the biblical concepts of marriage, we need to erase the erroneous concepts that we have acquired.       There are four things that headship of the husband does not mean. First, headship is not dictatorship. The man does not establish an autocratic rule. All over Christendom we have frustrated drill sergeants running around with a biblical club saying, "I'm the leader in my home." (You know they're not -- that's why they have to tell you.)       Actually, this type of "leadership" is the case in many more homes than we realize. But the husband is to be the head of the home as Christ is the head of the church; and Christ is not in the process of cramming anything down anybody's throat. He is sovereign, but He will never coerce people. He draws them to Himself by His love.       Second, headship does not mean that the wife is inferior. To say that a woman is inferior because she submits herself willingly to her husband is to say, in effect, that Jesus Christ is inferior because He submitted Himself to the will of the Father. That is heresy, because Jesus Christ is no less than God.       Spiritually, man and woman are totally equal. In fact, in Galatians 3:28 Paul says, "There is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus." As persons, you are equal; as marriage partners, however, there is a functional difference between the two of you, and that difference in responsibilities was designed by God. CHRIST'S HEADSHIP       In I Corinthians 11:3 Paul writes, "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." Jesus Christ has willingly put Himself under the headship of God, the Father. Every person, whether he is male or female, is under the headship of Jesus Christ. Then, when a man and a woman are brought together in marriage, the woman serves under the man's headship; he is the one responsible to God.       Wives, if it is a problem for you to submit yourself to the headship of your husband, you have a deeper problem -- the spiritual problem of submitting yourself under the headship of Christ who taught this relationship.       Third, headship does not mean that the man makes all the decisions with no discussion. What the Word of God teaches is not that the man makes all of the decisions, but rather that he is responsible for all the decisions that are made. My wife is an authority in many areas; she is the one who makes some decisions after we've discussed them. How foolish it would be for me not to utilize the insights which the Spirit of God has given to her.       Fourth, although headship makes the husband responsible for all decisions that are made, it does not mean that he is always right. It means he is a steward and he's going to have to give an account to God of his stewardship as head of his home. God will never hold the wife responsible for foolish decisions made by her husband. He will hold her responsible for being in subjection to his leadership.       Wives, please allow your husbands the luxury of a mistake. They are not perfect. Neither are you. When either of you makes a wrong decision, don't let it shake you.       What happens when you disagree? If you have had a full discussion of the matter and all points of view have been represented, a decision has to be made. It is then the responsibility of the man to make that decision. SIGN OF STRENGTH       As I mentioned earlier, the husband's supreme passion should be to love. The mass media have taught us that being loving is a sign of weakness, but the Bible teaches that loving is a sign of strength. It teaches from Christ's example that the qualities of real masculinity are tenderness, thoughtfulness, compassion, spiritual sensitivity.       Jesus Christ had all power at His disposal and could have liquidated His enemies in a moment. They spit in His face; they slapped Him; they gave Him vinegar to drink. But the Son of God never opened His mouth except to say, "Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing."1 That is a strong man.       The apostle Paul said, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church ...." He didn't say, "Love her because -- or when -- she is lovable." He says to love her "as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her ...." This is love given not to receive, but given freely, consistently, regardless of how she acts or responds. EXPRESS YOUR LOVE       Love demands expression. Some time ago, I talked with a man who was having difficulty with his wife. "My friend, do you love your wife?" I asked. He said, "Of course, I love my wife. You don't mean I came up here to be asked a stupid question like that, do you?" "Well," I said, "that's wonderful. When was the last time you told her?" "Told her?" he said. "Do I have to tell her?"       "No, you don't have to tell her; but it might help. I would suggest, however, that you get her in an overstuffed chair before you tell her. You're liable to produce a coronary."       He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Twenty-four years ago I married that woman and I told her then that I loved her. That's still in force until I revoke it."       You know, there are many young people today who are disillusioned about marriage. Could it be that they have been watching those of us who have been married for years? They look at too many of us and say, "If this is what love and marriage is, there must be a better way. I'd rather not get involved."       Men, I hope you are not ashamed to express your love to your wife in the presence of your children. It may be the greatest heritage you ever give them. Some years ago, my younger son came plowing through the front door with one of his buddies, and my wife and I were embracing in the middle of the living room. Embarrassed, Bill turned to his friend and said, "Aw, we're gonna have to wait a minute. My parents are smooching in there. His friend said, "Well let's go in!" A moment later he looked Bill in the eye and said, "It must wonderful to have a father who loves your mother. I don't know who my father is...."       My friend, never apologize to your children for embracing your wife. The greatest thing you can do for your son is to love your son's mother. The greatest thing you can ever do for your daughter in terms of sex education is to be unreservedly in love with her mother, and communicate it repeatedly. AS CHRIST LOVES...       Ask the Spirit of God to make you the kind of husband that Jesus Christ is -- a person who gives love with no strings attached. No woman in her right mind resists the leadership of a man who loves her as Christ loves the church.       Paul says that Christ loved the church so that He might sanctify her, cleanse her and present to Himself a glorious church. Gentlemen, that's the assignment that you have -- the assignment of presenting your family to God as something pleasing to Him. 1. Luke 23:34.